Wow! Those two words are probably the freakiest words I have ever written. If you had asked me ten years ago, if I wanted to have any kids, I would have said, "hell, no!" It wasn't that I hated kids; I just had no desire to bring a life into the world. Rewind life back twenty years, and I would have said that this life is hell and then you die. I struggled to enjoy life. Why would I subject someone else to such an existence?
As well, since my own upbringing was very difficult, I was, honestly, scared I would do the same to another child. There is a saying, "hurt people hurt people". And by and large, that is true. So, ten years ago, I was scared I would hurt any child who had the unfortunate circumstances to have me as a father.
Though, in those ten years, a few things happened to change that. (1) I went through intense counseling, and in 2013, my counselor said I was ready to continue life without therapy. It's been almost five years, and I still agree with her. Thanks be to God, the Healer! I am free enough from my past that I don't have to worry about my past affecting my present (and if it ever did, I know what to do - get more counseling) (2) I have dated women who wanted kids and talked to me about their desires for making a family (yes, you read right. This was not just my wife). So, I began to consider it.
And so, last year, my wife and I started trying to have a kid.
I remember the moment my wife let me know she was pregnant. She woke me up from, what I assume was a wonderful dream with a loud and joyous screaming from the bathroom, "Honey, I think I'm pregnant!" A blood test later that day confirmed it.
I was ecstatic! I enjoyed the many creative ways that we told both sides of the family. Like with my older brother, we had a video chat, and we had hidden the pregnancy tests among the stuffed animals we had put on the back of our sofa. My brother and his wife didn't notice anything different because I have always had a collection of stuffed animals (when I was a kid, I had something like 50. It has been pared down to a good ten). In the family facebook group, I had left a poem, which my family is somewhat used to, so it took a bit of time for a few of them to piece that one together.
Now we are in the seventh month. Sonograms later, I'm both scared and excited. Will I make a good father? People tell me I will. I'm not sure. Maybe? But all I know is that I'm more ready than I was 10 years ago. I will take each challenge in life both in prayer with my God and in discussions with my partner. We, not just I, will face each challenge together.
I'm ready...sorta. But ready or not, here he comes! ;)
The monkey in this picture is the oldest stuffed animal I own. His name is "One-Eyed Jack". He has been with me since I was four (I think). That means he is almost four decades old. He lost his eye during the first decade when my brother swung him around by the tail and hit something with him. Off popped the eye! I washed him this week for the first time...in nearly four decades. He must feel refreshed! There is a story behind every stuffed animal. :)
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